Special to USAfrica magazine (Houston) and USAfricaonline.com, first Africa-owned, US-based newspaper published on the Internet.
By Dr. Oluchi Otti, author of Inside the Mind of Battered Woman, counselor and Executive Director of Rapha Ministries in Houston, is a contributing analyst to USAfrica and USAfricaonline.com where this commentary is published, exclusively.
As we mourn this this senseless, disrecent death/murder of the anointed Nigerian gospel singer Osinachi Nwachukwu, allegedly, by her husband, we have seen and heard lots of questions, especially the one which asks: “Why didn’t she just leave?”
As sad as the death of our dear sister Osinachi is, let us all take solace in the awareness that it has brought to the Issue of domestic violence, especially in Nigeria.
Drawing from years of my counseling work with victims of domestic abuse, there are several reasons why many victims feel trapped in abusive relationships. Most of those are predicated on cultural, social and religious basis.
Those factors are also complicated by the fact that some women who actually tried to break free have even died in the process of leaving.
I think it’s about time that communities and societies shift their questions from the victims to the perpetrators? The burden and responsibility should shift from questioning the victims to holding the abusers accountable.
Yes; many have wondered what could have made such a beautiful, highly-gifted soul such as Osinachi to submit herself to such atrocious, wicked actions and debasement (from some of the videos we’ve seen across the social media) in the hands of her husband?
For an answer, it’s vital to understand how such a person could have been battered almost into a “submission function” and left with a sense of hopelessness and helplessness.
We, therefore must ensure and pray that her death is not in vain. My prayer is that another woman or even man doesn’t become another victim.
To that end, let’s take a look at the some warning signs of abuse in the home or in a relationship.
Pushing for quick involvement: Comes on strong, claiming, “I’ve never felt loved like this by anyone.”
Jealousy: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly”
Controlling Behavior: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you’re late) about whom you talked to and where you were.
Unrealistic expectations: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.
Isolation: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who care about you of “causing trouble.”
Blaming others for problems or mistakes: It’s always someone else’s fault when anything goes wrong.
Hypersensitivity: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad.
Cruelty to animals or children: Kills or punishes animals brutally.
Use of force during sex: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex.
Verbal abuse: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel, hurtful things.
Rigid roles: Expects you to serve, obey and remain at home.
Sudden mood swings: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.
History of battering: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person “made” him (or her) do it.
Threats of violence: Says things like, “I’ll break your neck,” or “I’ll kill you,” and then dismisses them with, “I didn’t really mean it.”
In moving forward to get out of an abusive relationship, you begin by rejecting the toxic idea that “it’s a thin line between love and hate.”
Also, if you
are in an abusive relationship and you should not feel alone and helpless; there are available support and resources in most communities, counties, States and countries around the world. If you are a victim of domestic violence anywhere in the United States, you can call any time, any day to the National Domestic Violence Support phone line 800-799-7233.
Finally, I will advise that it is better to have loved and lost than to lose your life trying to love an abuser.
It is very vital to understand that true Love does not hurt.Overall, I will advise that it is better to have loved and lost than to lose your life trying to love an abuser. It is very vital to understand that true Love does not hurt.
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